We often being told that we cannot coach family members. It is very true, as human beings we tend to be easily upset with our children’s inability to do certain things. Especially so when we are good at those things and our kids are struggling to do it. Of course, this observation does not represent all parents in the world but it is similar enough to describe myself as a mother.
On top of that, the statement made by others, “there is no way we can coach our family” keeps ringing in my head and thus, I never tried to even adopt the competencies used in coaching. As an Asian parent with traditional upbringing, I guess I am quite strict in raising my kids, there are certain values and mannerism expected of my kids to exhibit. For example, they must obey instruction, they must be respectful of others, they must sit properly in front of adults and behave well especially in public. Since my kids exhibit all these characteristics, I tend to forget their inner self, something that coaches used to explore with their clients. I had taken things for granted that everything went well.
However, one day, one of my sons requested to have a chat with me, he said “this is very personal” the word itself made me scared. What kind of personal things is he talking about, is everything alright? He wanted to change his studies, and change university. We had spent a lot of money to get him enrolled to the programme of his choice and the university of his choice. How did I respond? I was outraged. I was angered by the fact that it was his choice and all I did was being supportive and made things happened for him. Yet, he decided to quit, he had told his friends before discussing with me! I am not sure if it is a normal reaction of a parent but that was my reaction. With eyes wide, a high pitch of “what” and “what is wrong with you?” Of course, I did not utter the normal Manglish of “do you think money grows on trees?
Anyway, being a smart boy, he used my occupation against me, to make me reach a pivotal realization; I have the competencies as a coach, why do not I use them for one of the most important persons in my life? he said “mom, how could you talk to me like this, you are a coach, that day I overheard your conversation. You talk nicely and sweetly to your client, and you smiled, I am your son.” I was dumbfounded and I heard myself telling him, “well, you are not my client, you are my son and I am your mom”.
That incident did not end there as I was thunderstruck by his statement nevertheless. It dawned on me, what a nice coach and what a terrible mom have I been. The thought just lingered in my mind for quite a while. I decided to use the coaching competencies with my children effective from that day. I realized I wanted so much to be a supportive mom that I went all out to help him obtain what he wanted and I did not spend time to explore his goal.
Of course, we cannot have a proper coaching session but the competencies adopted will make life easier when dealing with kids. Among the competencies that can be used:
1. We must always carry the coaching mindset - i.e. no judgement, respect our children’s wishes and plans even though we know sometimes it is absurd (keep smiling, we are coaches)
2. Cultivate trust and safety - acknowledge whatever they say, and remember smile and keep quiet.
3. Maintain presence - always be focused and manage our emotions and be silence and smile
4. Listen actively – recognizes body language, listen to what is not being said and explore their emotions without asking. (the kids do not like the parents to ask many questions, they say you are interrogating)
5. Evoke awareness – support the client and share observations, and ask them to share about their experiences
6. Facilitating growth – this is what parents always do and to explore their potential and plans, when they have decisions maybe need to revisit them, it might change for some children.
I have discovered by consciously integrating the coaching skills in my daily interaction with my children, I tend to find out more about their worries and concerns. Even though, at times I have this question why are you so worried over your future? I have learnt to keep quiet and listen.
I have learnt to understand that it is normal for children of their age to be apprehensive of what future holds for them and to be undecisive at times. I should have had applied the coaching competencies very much earlier.
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